DYAD...

Read one of my bradduh's blog entry lately...

Total sentiments...

"to the world that was lost he gave all he could give"
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i've lost so much of myself along the way. it's high time i gave it all back. i don't deny i have in more ways than one gave up on you, Jesus. & now i know better, i gave up on myself. many times i lay down and wonder how much life had strayed, from a path i once knew so well about. ever since i lost faith in the people from church, i found it hard to step amongst people who proclaimed their love for you, yet guilty-ly harbours hypocrisy. i reckon that was stupid, and it took me so long to finally comprehen the very simple fact that ceasing from church only because of friends is hypocrisy, myself - we worship God. not friends. i fear i sound wishful, but if i could, i would turn back time and change that very event. because even though having the wonderful relationship i have now, i still do miss the one i had with the man above.

about the one i have now, we have came so far. & each step i took deepens the fear i had about having it end like the previous time. overcompensating, overstating and overdoing not only results in the outburst of paranoia, but also builds up the very thing i want not to be there, a barrier. of all my relationships, i've always wished i would cross the threshold of obsession, the threshold of a very surface partnership. but apparently they didn't because none of them worked out. it's probably due to these pasts that made my heart long to give more, in hopes of getting where i want - how wrong can i get?

because today, i was delivered from these high-school-crushes relationship. the epiphany of having the perfect relationship, is actually quite simple. i don't want to live in mere fear of how it would end, or how i should keep it going on anymore. why should we focus so much on the bad, when there is so much good in my life right now. i know better now, because we've not only cleared up so much shit - i think i've finally gotten pass the threshold. i don't deny still being as numb as a 5minutes soaked-in-ice feet, but i also won't deny that i can't live my life on nails anymore. it touches me how you tried so hard to find the words to convey everything, breaking it to me gently - and rationally. & i'm glad you understood from my point of view also. it really is that simple. i'm looking forward now, because looking back is so passe. we have alot more to learn, and i promise i'll be a good student.

school has been tough on be today, because i've grown to realise how much it differs from secondary school life. how unpredictable the people are - and i'd give up anything for God's discerning voice to guide my every path.

dear God, tomorrow i swear i won't act this way.
but i know that seems like what i always say.
but it doesn't really matter to me,
because i know i'm understoof.
i honestly pray, that i would go back to you
in more than church-going
and more than a few cheap thrills,
take me, break me, and mold me again into the person you've always wanted me to be.
and again, take my dyad.
bless it, and multipy it fruitfully.
i love you.
in Jesus's name i pray,

amen