I lived among the zillions of lives that God has created. And this is my chronicles...
But is this 'fantasy or fact' that you witness?
[Please do not copy, modify or publicize any of my artwork without my permission. Copyright © 2006 Tobey

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Sunday, March 27, 2005

I think I know what went wrong with me last week...

Sigh... I had an emotional week last week...
Perhaps i was going too melodramatic... Didn't really know what caused it...
But I'm sure I was in an emotional state I'd never been b4...

The reason why i was feeling down was that...
1) The news abt my injured spine impacted me alot...
It gave me emotional stress and family stress.

2) I've lost a best fren, a very 'childish' one... We argued. He accused me for being gay with another guy. (My best pal) He was jealous and accused me for lying to him time and again. He yearned for my attention or shld i say, my 'money'. Always asking me to buy him things... I ain't a SUGARDADDY! F**k him... It's good riddance that he's gone...

3) Then, my best pal seems to be on cloud nine with his ol' crush... and i was afraid of losing him... Due to the fact that he was my closest fren left....(You know how guys find a gf and forget their buddies) I ADMIT I AM jealous too. But perhaps, I was always against the idea of getting attached at a young age. Thus, I had indented that idea on him, which I, in fact have no control for that, and shld just mind my own business...
I'm against puppy love. It maybe, is happiness for a short while. and there are people who treasure it v.deeply. But to me, i care about forever love. Not for a short while... If so, what's the difference between a 'one night stand' den?
I really spend so much time trying to change this best pal. I dun mind losing out. But I just dun wish a girl to come in now and spoil him, bringing him back to his ex-state again.
But that is beyond my control now. I ain't the kind of bastard who would approach her and stop her from seeing him with low tricks. All I can only do is to wish him happiness...

I am feeling v.depressed right now.
I dun need love though... But I have no friends...
I think that's the problem...
I don't seem to have lasting friends...

My best frens in primary school is unreachable... they've flown away on their own journeys... (XK,DK)
My best fren in secondary school was a misunderstanding... and we're not that close anymore.(JJ)
My best fren in poly was a brother to me... but he doesn't think likewise...(ZL)
My best fren in my poly class is such a baby... naive (KH)
My best frens in my ex working place are all drifting away...(CX,ZS,JW,WI,CW)
My buddy in BMT dislikes me... he thinks i'm too soft... for a man.(Ah X.)
My buddy in my current unit was close to me for a while... but he drifted away too...(DES)

My own brother (Richard) is usually quiet, and seldom shares stuff with me.
It makes me stressed and hard to trouble him with my own problems.

Honestly, now, when I looked into my cellphone... browse thru my contacts...
I find no one i can really talk to... heart to heart.

Why is it always me give people care & attention... and never do i get it back...?!?!

Times... I just walk alone by the streets of Orchard... wandering what is Life?

'What is the reason of my existance?'

Who needs church? Who needs God?
I have already doubted his existance...
Perhaps the bible is another man-made legend similar to the 'Lord of the Rings'.
Created for the sake of 'hope', for the sake of 'ethics'... else this world will really be in a mess.

But when you think... 'When all hope is gone... what is the meaning of life?'

Perhaps, this is all a dream...
Just like Sora (Kingdom Hearts) said,
"I've been having these weird thoughts lately, like is any of this for real, or not?"

I just dun want to think anymore right now...

If one day, I'm gone...
And u see this.

All i can say is...
"Thank you... You bothered... Take good care of my love ones if you really care..."

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